How sex focused around an orgasm can put a lot of stress on both parties, and even lead to break ups in some cases. We will discuss what the goal of sex really should be.
When I look at forums online that discuss sex, I have come across numerous posts where people ask for help on making their partner have an orgasm. Learning sexual technique and having discussions on what feels pleasant is fine by me. I completely agree with understanding anatomy and how understanding that anatomy can lead to better sex and more pleasant feelings, but oftentimes these posts have more to them. There are women who feel inadequate because they are unable to make their boyfriend cum from a blowjob. There are men who feel self conscious about their penis because their girlfriend does not have an orgasm from penetrative sex. There are numerous occasions where I see people judging their self-worth on their ability to give their partner an orgasm. And this is the problem I have seen. The problem is that some people focus on sex purely around an orgasm, and I think that causes some issues.
I want to share a personal story. My girlfriend and I were spending an afternoon together alone. We were watching television and she decided to try something adventurous and pulled down my pants. She told me to just keeping watching t.v. She proceeded to give me a blowjob for quite a while. Sometimes a blowjob is used for warm-up for us. So I was unsure if she was going to want penetrative sex shorty. So I held back a bit and prevented myself from ejaculating. I was unaware that she wanted me to finish and that it was meant to be a surprise gift. So after a while, her jaw got sore and she stopped. But when she stopped, she was crying and very upset. At this point I asked her what the problem is, but she is extremely upset and doesn’t want to talk. So I hugged her and just waited. Eventually we started to talk and she said she feels like a bad girlfriend and that she just is not good at sex. We talked about a lot of stuff and this article is going to focus on what we talked about, because I think it is applicable to all couples. It can help if a similar situation happens to you.
Problems That Arise
The first problem with expecting a certain act to cause an orgasm is that it normalizes sex and says there is a right and a wrong way to do it. People believe that if you stimulate a penis through an up and down motion either with a hand or a mouth the desired outcome is an orgasm, ejaculation and pleasure. But this is not true for all people. There are some men who do not enjoy that form of stimulation. There are men who enjoy a vibrator more, or prefer to orgasm from prostate or nipple stimulation, or something else. If you expect an orgasm, you are telling your partner that if they do not have an orgasm, there is something wrong with them. And this can cause psychological pain to them. They can feel inadequate, broken or just abnormal because they did not have an orgasm. So understand that your expectations on your partner can cause pain to them.
It also needs to be understood that most people need to be relaxed and happy to have an orgasm. If they feel pressured to have an orgasm, or if they are trying really hard to have an orgasm, it can be more difficult for them. There needs to be a feeling of safety, relaxation and comfort for a person to have an orgasm. So by getting upset about not being able to give your partner an orgasm, you can actually make it harder for them. There is pressure put on them and that can add difficulty.
I personally have a hard time ejaculating and having an orgasm from blowjobs. There is just something about the stimulation that just does not push me over the edge. It feels great, but I do not have an orgasm. I find it far easier to have one from nipple stimulation or a handjob. That is just how I am. During our talk, I told my girlfriend this and she started to feel a bit better. Not all acts are going to cause a person to have an orgasm. Everyone has their own unique tastes and you cannot apply them to all people.
In my personal opinion, sexual intercourse does not require an orgasm to be complete. And that is my main issue with this thinking. It makes sex revolve around an orgasm. It makes it all about an orgasm when there is so much more to sex than that. There are complex feelings, and bonds, and happiness all independent of an orgasm. I was happy with the session my girlfriend just gave me. I felt great, I felt amazing, yet here she was feeling horrible about herself. So I asked her some questions:
Did you have a fun time (before your jaw got sore)? And she replied yes, I liked watching you.
I said ask me if I had a good time. And she does: So I tell her yes I had a good time. It felt amazing. It felt great. I didn’t care at all that I did not have an orgasm. I felt close to you, I felt in love with you, I felt happy and close. So yes I had a good time.
I then asked her if we had ever had sex and she didn’t have an orgasm, yet still walked away feeling good. And she replied of course she had. There were lots of times she didn’t want to have an orgasm, or just didn’t have one and walked away happy.
What these questions illustrate is that it is very possible to have sex and not have an orgasm, yet still feel happy. And in my opinion that is what sex is about. Sex is about feeling happy, feeling an emotional connection. For some people, it is above love and a connection. For some people it has religious connotations. And I know I am missing what sex means to a lot of people too. There are lots of other things sex means to people.
My point here is that sex isn’t one dimensional and focused around an orgasm. It is multi-faceted and focuses on different things for different people. Sometimes the goal is an orgasm. But other times the focus in not an orgasm, because sex is so much more than an orgasm.
So my final point is that if sex doesn’t revolve around an orgasm, why is it a big deal if your partner doesn’t have an orgasm? And the answer is simple. It is NOT a big deal. There is no reason for you to automatically judge your self worth based upon the number of orgasms you give your partner. Sex is whatever you want it to be and whatever you make it to be.
So for anyone who has ever felt bad because they could not give their partner an orgasm, do not feel bad about it. If you want re-assurance, talk to your partner, and unless sex is focused around orgasm (which is fine if you decide that) then your partner is not going to care and you should feel good about yourself.
After telling my girlfriend that sex was so much more than an orgasm, everything turned out fine. But there was a moment where she legitimately considered leaving me so I could find someone “better” who could give me an orgasm. And that is something I don’t want anyone to ever feel.
If you have any questions or personal stories of your own feel free to ask/share them in the comments.